Posts tagged grief

0287

Ruined?

I have been in love once. The 13th of next month will mark 12 years since I have seen him. I have cared about people, but I can honestly say that telling them that I loved them was a falsehood. I haven’t been in love since I was with him.

We had just gotten back from Christmas vacation spent in Queens, NY. Shout-out to T-Bone’s Diner and Lillian’s Pizzeria. I’ll never forget January 18th, 2006. I was sitting in the patient room of Planned Parenthood waiting for the nurse to come back with the result of the mandatory pregnancy test since I missed one of my birth control shots. She hadn’t finished shutting the door behind her as she said to me, “Sarah, you’re pregnant.”

Never in my life have I felt my heart crush in my chest the way it did when she said those words to me. Wait — I am wrong — I had before. When my babysitter’s father delivered the news to my mother that his daughter had died. Michelle was one of my favorite people. And at my 8 years of age, I learned of loss and grief for the first time.

I cannot recall why it felt so horrific to receive news some people would cherish to hear.

“You’re kidding…”

“I don’t kid about these things,” she replied with annoyance seeping through her tone.

I left Planned Parenthood with pamphlets on abortion and pregnancy care clutched in my hands. I called my mother in tears and got into my car to go tell him the news.

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November 13th, 2006, was the last time I saw him. I remember nothing about that day with him other than the date itself. He checked out of the relationship before I did and like the failed pregnancy, we failed. He was my first love, and so far, my only.


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