0287

Ruined?

I have been in love once. The 13th of next month will mark 12 years since I have seen him. I have cared about people, but I can honestly say that telling them that I loved them was a falsehood. I haven’t been in love since I was with him.

We had just gotten back from Christmas vacation spent in Queens, NY. Shout-out to T-Bone’s Diner and Lillian’s Pizzeria. I’ll never forget January 18th, 2006. I was sitting in the patient room of Planned Parenthood waiting for the nurse to come back with the result of the mandatory pregnancy test since I missed one of my birth control shots. She hadn’t finished shutting the door behind her as she said to me, “Sarah, you’re pregnant.”

Never in my life have I felt my heart crush in my chest the way it did when she said those words to me. Wait — I am wrong — I had before. When my babysitter’s father delivered the news to my mother that his daughter had died. Michelle was one of my favorite people. And at my 8 years of age, I learned of loss and grief for the first time.

I cannot recall why it felt so horrific to receive news some people would cherish to hear.

“You’re kidding…”

“I don’t kid about these things,” she replied with annoyance seeping through her tone.

I left Planned Parenthood with pamphlets on abortion and pregnancy care clutched in my hands. I called my mother in tears and got into my car to go tell him the news.

#

November 13th, 2006, was the last time I saw him. I remember nothing about that day with him other than the date itself. He checked out of the relationship before I did and like the failed pregnancy, we failed. He was my first love, and so far, my only.


Featured Photo: “Self Image” Copyright © 2018. All rights reserved.
Camera: Pixel 2.


0286: TW – Mental Health, Drugs and Alcohol

Tethered

As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well. – Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous

Depression hit me hard when I started high school. I sometimes wish I could remember the events then to see if I could find what triggered it. At 14, I experimented with marijuana and alcohol and suffered the consequence of being molested at a hotel party. No one believed me at the time and for a while, I felt quite awful. That same year, my alcoholic father moved back in with my family. He had sobered up, but he was still mean. I did not care to have him back in our lives. At 23 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Prior to diagnosis I had been heavily smoking marijuana and doing 2-4 lines of cocaine every night for 3-4 months. This time it was my turn to not believe something and I convinced myself that the manic-psychosis I had experienced was a drug-induced psychosis. Three years later I would find out it was not when I went through my second manic-psychosis break.

I am better now. Medicated. But there are many casualties that lie in between these lines. Our ties did not hold to the force and nature of my disorder. No longer tethered, but forgiven. And I guess that is well enough.


Featured Image: Copyright © Sarah Nykki 2017. All rights reserved.

Camera: Olympus OM-D EM-10 Mark II

0285

photo of a long-haired young woman smiling at something off camera

Jocelyn.

She is as bold as she is daring, but I wonder at times if she is able to see those qualities in herself. How often do you come across a young woman so regimented who feels she needs more discipline in her life that she joins the military to quench such thirst?

That is Jocelyn in a nutshell.

 


Featured Image by Sarah Nykki © 2017. All Rights Reserved.

Camera: Olympus OM-D E-M10 Mark II

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