An Open Letter Response to An Open Letter

The following is an open letter from the blog of someone I used to be friends with. It was written in July and I have decided to re-read it as fearless feedback and hopefully formulate a response to bring closure. 

“Dear ex-best-friend,

Thank you for the valuable lessons you have taught me about relationships, myself and in general. I now understand that I don’t have to feel pain remembering you. I am grateful for the good times and will never regret our friendship.  I know that you are a good person and you hide a lot of yourself from the world, as you did from me.  I know that you have a heart of gold and an amazing ability to listen.  I know how beautiful and wonderful you are and I hope you do too.  Even though our friendship didn’t meet your expectations, I hope that you find a friend who does.  You deserve love and friendship with someone who can be there for you in all the ways I couldn’t be because I know that you have a lot to offer people.

Do not sell yourself short in life, it’s okay to have bad days, just try to be aware if there are too many that something might be wrong. Don’t depend too much on your mom’s opinion because you have one too and it’s okay to trust it especially since you are a lot stronger than you know.  Let someone have room in your heart without any expectations or judgements because love is beautiful even when it is hard at times and almost impossible at other times. Offer forgiveness when someone wrongs you or makes a mistake that seems big because you may end up losing someone important.  Life is too short to hold onto negativity and pain when you could be open and free.  Make sure to eat more than just TV dinners or junk food on a regular basis because they aren’t good for you and don’t drink too many energy drinks so you don’t get sick again.

Fight for yourself, go to therapy so you don’t self-sabotoge and isolate because it is dangerous for many reasons (that you know) and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.  Walk outside of your comfort zone whenever possible so you can experience something worth remembering.  Being alone isn’t something you can look back on and smile. Travel. Write. You are an amazing writer with a gift that no one can take from you. I will try to follow your blog so I can read your work if you let me. Keep being honest because you are the most honest person I know.

Take deep breaths when life gets hard, feel the emotions even when you don’t like them, give everyone a chance to be a part of your life because in the sea of silver you will find gold. As my mom always told me, “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime,” let my reason and season mean something more than just a painful memory. If you choose not to take my advice, that’s okay, I know you will eventually figure out what works best for you.

I will always care even if I can’t keep getting hurt. Our friendship never seems to work because we are too different and I can’t be constantly pushed away, but I will always send positivity and love your way and I hope you will feel it from a distance. Don’t judge too harshly what you don’t fully understand because we all wear our hearts on our sleeves in hopes that someone will accept and love us. I am no different and neither are you.  Despite my tough exterior, I am a soft person who hurts deeply and feels deeply. What you did hurt me deeply, but I will be okay. I will keep working toward my goals and making huge strides in my journey to self betterment. I hope you will do the same.

Be safe with yourself and your choices. I truly hope you will find whatever you are looking for in life, even if you never read this letter, it is always here for you. I am mad at you now, but this too shall pass. Best of luck in life.

Sincerely,

Niki”


Dear Niki,

Thank you for your letter. I apologize for hurting you in the way I did. I could have handled that better. You had mentioned before about how we should communicate more when we need a break so to prevent falling out like we have times before, but I failed to follow through on that and in doing so we inevitably fell out again. 

When I first read your letter, emotions were raw and I felt like you were making digs which is one of the reasons I backed off from our friendship. You state being free from judgment, “Let someone have room in your heart without any expectations or judgements..” but judge me for living alone and liking being alone, “Being alone isn’t something you can look back on and smile.”

But you’re being honest in your feelings and I understand we aren’t going to see eye-to-eye when it comes to that and other things. You got me on the frozen meals and energy drinks. Maybe you’d be happy to know I have an InstantPot now and cook more than ever before. 

Since you felt free to give some advice when it comes to my life and how I live it, I feel I can also lend you some advice that you may never see, but will help me get some things off of my chest.

Be more honest. Some of the tales you would spin were for no real purpose. I rarely called you on them because I didn’t want to make waves, but being dishonest about little things or things without matter makes a person question your honesty with things that do matter. 

Step out of your comfort zone (as well). Driving is scary, but it is empowering and brings freedom if you open yourself to it. Also, being alone is empowering as it brings time to really get to know yourself and if you are with your kids, gives you both the one-on-one quality time you need with them to bond.

Stop Googling your ailments. Having a primary care doctor and getting physicals is much more healthy than speculating something is wrong and ruminating on it. 

Stop talking crap about everyone in your life. Everyone needs to vent sometimes, but painting ugly pictures about people all the time causes a divide in your relationships with them. 

Lastly, I miss the old you from before our first fallout which was neither of our faults. I know she is still in there because I see her sometimes. You have been through a lot of shit since we have been in and out of each other’s lives. I don’t dismiss that, but I hope you get back to her. Take care, Niki. 

Sincerely,

Sarah

0288

Shooting in Solitude

I don’t mind, I don’t mind
This wasted, shaded daylight

Stars “Wasted Daylight”

I had a bug. Not a literal bug or a sick bug, but the kinda bug that doesn’t cease nagging you until you commit to doing what it wants. I had to go shooting – with my camera. Well, my phone actually.

This action of going out to take photos on my own was a monumental feat for me because I typically like to go out with friends. Whether it’s a social anxiety thing or a comfort thing, I don’t know. Nor do I care because I was able to go out and take photos by myself.

Admittedly, it was baby steps. It was a weekday and I went to a quieter area of the beach where there were only a few others around.

I like to imagine in the photo above this man watching the kids playing on the beach reminiscing about either his own childhood or that of his now grown children.

Eventually, the man approached me. Had he known I snapped that photo of him? I’m not sure as his curiosity was about the price of these condos. I informed him I wasn’t sure, but he seemed not to believe me when he rephrased his question. I told him there is a number he can call and he nodded walking away. 


Featured Photo & Following Photos: Sarah Nykki © 2017.
Camera: Pixel 2.

0287

Ruined?

I have been in love once. The 13th of next month will mark 12 years since I have seen him. I have cared about people, but I can honestly say that telling them that I loved them was a falsehood. I haven’t been in love since I was with him.

We had just gotten back from Christmas vacation spent in Queens, NY. Shout-out to T-Bone’s Diner and Lillian’s Pizzeria. I’ll never forget January 18th, 2006. I was sitting in the patient room of Planned Parenthood waiting for the nurse to come back with the result of the mandatory pregnancy test since I missed one of my birth control shots. She hadn’t finished shutting the door behind her as she said to me, “Sarah, you’re pregnant.”

Never in my life have I felt my heart crush in my chest the way it did when she said those words to me. Wait — I am wrong — I had before. When my babysitter’s father delivered the news to my mother that his daughter had died. Michelle was one of my favorite people. And at my 8 years of age, I learned of loss and grief for the first time.

I cannot recall why it felt so horrific to receive news some people would cherish to hear.

“You’re kidding…”

“I don’t kid about these things,” she replied with annoyance seeping through her tone.

I left Planned Parenthood with pamphlets on abortion and pregnancy care clutched in my hands. I called my mother in tears and got into my car to go tell him the news.

#

November 13th, 2006, was the last time I saw him. I remember nothing about that day with him other than the date itself. He checked out of the relationship before I did and like the failed pregnancy, we failed. He was my first love, and so far, my only.


Featured Photo: “Self Image” Copyright © 2018. All rights reserved.
Camera: Pixel 2.


0286: TW – Mental Health, Drugs and Alcohol

Tethered

As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well. – Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous

Depression hit me hard when I started high school. I sometimes wish I could remember the events then to see if I could find what triggered it. At 14, I experimented with marijuana and alcohol and suffered the consequence of being molested at a hotel party. No one believed me at the time and for a while, I felt quite awful. That same year, my alcoholic father moved back in with my family. He had sobered up, but he was still mean. I did not care to have him back in our lives. At 23 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Prior to diagnosis I had been heavily smoking marijuana and doing 2-4 lines of cocaine every night for 3-4 months. This time it was my turn to not believe something and I convinced myself that the manic-psychosis I had experienced was a drug-induced psychosis. Three years later I would find out it was not when I went through my second manic-psychosis break.

I am better now. Medicated. But there are many casualties that lie in between these lines. Our ties did not hold to the force and nature of my disorder. No longer tethered, but forgiven. And I guess that is well enough.


Featured Image: Copyright © Sarah Nykki 2017. All rights reserved.

Camera: Olympus OM-D EM-10 Mark II

0285

Jocelyn.

She is as bold as she is daring, but I wonder at times if she is able to see those qualities in herself. How often do you come across a young woman so regimented who feels she needs more discipline in her life that she joins the military to quench such thirst?

That is Jocelyn in a nutshell.

 


Featured Image by Sarah Nykki © 2017. All Rights Reserved.

Camera: Olympus OM-D E-M10 Mark II